Lost Random Chatter

Sunday, July 31, 2005

 

some practical introspection

basically want to commit this to my memory, hence typing it out as the pieces click into place in my head...

- respect- one form of it - is keeping ur word....
I respect u- so when I tell u that I will do X - I do X, or I do a modified version of X- hmmm- I act upon doing X..

hmm?

- going by that, I really don't respect myself- I tell me I will do something- and 10 times out of 11 squirm & squeeze out of the doing... and 9 times out of that I don't bother with explanations..shrug.. "It's just me..."..

"a weak will power" is perhaps just an euphemism for this basic lack of respect.... and perhaps the basis for my 'time inconsistency syndrome'...

needless to say, this lack of connection between respect and 'keeping my word' has extended to people other than me- damaging consequences, of course- at the lightest- being hailed as irrefutable proof for the unpunctual indian stereotype, and at the more grim side of things- loss of credibility and a certain bleeding of faith in my closest relationships...

... So, what am I going to do about it ?
(You see, this is the crux of the matter- it is at the doing that I falter, stumble and fall...!)

.....take it one small step at a time (i'm easily overwhelmed)..
...will keep you posted as I hit some (any?) milestones.

*****
milestone 1: managed to stay off the net for a good 24 hours (except for uni. email) to get some pressing work done...

2: didnt kill myself for little lapses- moved into the next 24...

*CRASHHHH* borrowed a couple of books from the county library- started reading 'The Prince of Tides' (Pat Conroy)- kept going all night till I finished it- after telling myself "just one more chapter" for the initial dozen...
& no- it wasn't the book...

- am I hopeless or am I hopeless....

 

the 31st of july....

OMG, OMFG.....
(sorry if that sounds mildly blasphemous)

It's the 31st already...that leaves me (and fellow detainees) with just 26 days to submit our dissertations !

'Filial Cannibalism in Assassin Bugs'... And the bloody bugs haven't arrived yet...

Why do I even try?

Friday, July 29, 2005

 

black edged with grey

that is how i feel - black edged with grey- not a uniform black, but patchy with layers and layers of peeling paint, and holes in the canvas....

something needs to be done- but i will not do it- i will force myself not to, although i know i need to- and i can- just a little push, one tentative stretch and I will be 'doing'....

- and that plunges me into such turmoil...

just for the sake of not having to do something that I don't even really mind doing, I have pictured attempting suicide- little red drops staining the duvet.. but there is always the mess, and that puts me off...
bulging eyes, bruises, the smell....
(besides my life is not supposed to end in this crummy room opposite cibo's; also the sane voice in my head is screaming in frustration, knowing all of this to be rather irrational and extreme)

Hamlet could be my alter ego- everything, everything, except in the doing...

and im sick to the pit of my stomach...
and i feel helpless-
i want to walk out and chuck everything, be a different person, just escape..

And yes, it strikes me that this is highly dysfunctional, and i wonder why....

there is not much to it- for once the easy way out is also healthy- but i continue being stubborn- resisting, resisting, and resisting all that in me that is fluid...

and i feel alienated- cos living seems to come so simple to most people...

Monday, July 25, 2005

 

living up to the name of my blog..

Monday morning... I peek out of the window- fat raindrops gracing the glass..

Hunger curling into spirals... eyes tired from a nightful of dreams... senses suspended between the real and surreal..

Laundry-my personal demon- that hateful thing- all my internal struggles manifested in a growing pile of dirty clothes...
Each step of a mundane chore becomes an onerous dangerous task.... insurmountable even...

And I watch helplessly...
caught in me...

It is a heady mix - this monday morning..

Ravi Shankar's Chants of India threatening to kidnap me-
some scene from the Ramayana- orange robes, Sita , the twins and a white horse....
or, just the familiar form of a Sitar- long clear lines, regular intervals imposed upon them by the frets, taut strings at the edge of snapping..........and pain that can prompt music...

An acute sense of the day ahead- rare enough for me to notice it...
Far from the disappointment that comes from having a week just drift past..

...... This state of suspension, fingers poised to strike as thoughts jostle each other, fighting for a place in the stream of consciousness..

The fight continues...

And I have a strategy...

Colour by colour, destroy that pile- if they were me , this would be a premonition of things to come...
And so what if it's simply changing the configuration of a few clothes lying pell-mell on a carpet..

It is control- and some sort of control over a personal demon is no mean feat... it has to be pondered upon, talked about, dissected and abandoned before it can be executed....

"Oh for fuck's sake-
Stop procrastinating - you- you child- and get on with it.......bloody clothes- takes hardly a minute.. and get on with the day....
it is a long week ahead...
and the weekend wasn't much help now, or was it?"

Sunday, July 24, 2005

 

the nature of sacrifice

A tentative post, hoping to prompt discussion ..

Sacrifice- "an act of giving up something one values for the sake of something that is more important to one"..

That reduces 'sacrifice' to a difficult choice...

merely choosing something above another, and is that not the very business of life - making choices?

Then why does 'sacrifice' , in the doing or even in a projection from the mind, evoke self-righteousness in some, hatred in others, fear and mistrust in many....

They tell me .."Aaah, love...sigh.... it is difficult....it is all about sacrifice."

Well- so is life..

Is it especially painful in the context of relationships cos you need to incorporate someone else in the choice...?
But it is strange to do that grudgingly, when essentially, incorporating that someone in your choices is a choice you made not so long ago..

Perhaps it is because the second clause is so easiy brushed aside- and all that remains is 'the act of giving up something that is valuable to one..'

And even if it boils down to a question of semantics, I'd rather make a choice than a sacrifice..

Friday, July 22, 2005

 

?

Sometimes I lose myself...

completely- completely- and i become a tornado- insane- terrifying - threatening...

All words lost on me, lost within me- I rage rage and rage....

You filth- don't even try to touch me, I will whizz you into oblivion, till all that remains is glistening white bones...

You, my soul... do you not see that I am beyond it all- like a rabid dog, I bite and froth and bite some more....

Oh quiet... How i crave the quiet....Shush now! Have I made you cry?
There I was, just within grasp- and you with your stifled sobs caused me to start.....

Lost again, "JUST SHUT UP ...will you just shut up?"

Pause.

..... and now the wait.. interminable, wretched...
I am within me now, yet voices of the wind remain, alien, inscrutable....
The rain, won't you bring the rain- to wash off indelible stains ?

But I sit here, remorseless, scared, brave.....eyes clear but dry.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

 

Malingering!

But throat seems to be acting up on cue...

Feeling slightly concerned about my assassin bugs- their water reservoirs- crumpled bits of toilet paper soaked in water- need to be replenished.
Besides it would be interesting to know how many more have died- let's see at what reduced number I give into the depression that has been threatening ever since 90% of the second shipment died in transit.

Woke up this morning with greater than usual levels of inertia...and absolute suspension of my decision-making capacities (which are, as is, not in the pink of health)...
Called up a friend...

"Hey Stu- can you do me a favour?"
" Ya sure.."
"K- Switch on the lights for my bugs, the fob key is in my locker.."
" The room lights or is there a separate lamp?"
" Room- two switches by the door."
" Aren't you coming in to the department today?"
" I dunno - I feel strange....."
" As in?"
" The season's changing - it is going to be autumn.."
" Umm.. within you or outside?" - skeptically and yet forgivingly..
" Outside - can't u feel it in the wind.... and it is making me feel strange..What should I do?"
"Umm.. go in for a shower- eat sumthing - come to the department!"
" Should I carry my laptop?"
" Why do u need it ?"
" I need to write an intro, and I want to type it out on my laptop...."
"Fine, carry it then.."
"But, it is tooo heavy!"- dramatically!
"Well lots of people carry their laptops around- so can you.."
Having nothing to say in the face of that, "Ya true... Thanks- see you later then!"

But am still in my room- closed the window to ward off the autumn...
Wondering how a missed deadline and a self-granted day off are going to affect one of the fragile supervisor-student relationships that academia thrives on..

Saturday, July 16, 2005

 

Whatever...

Thanks for all the comments- the reason I don't reply is cos I have run out of things to say....

Like I have been wrung, and squeezed to a crinkled knot- and try as I might- I can't let loose even a single soulful drop...

He's hurt and upset, and sick of things being topsy turvy, things that should've could've been the right side up....

I laugh and tell him-
" Silly guy! It's all a matter of perspective.."

.... He winces (more the laugh than the platitude), shrugs and shuts up.....

And I go beserk-
" So what do you fucking want me to say? Life sucks? That the bloody world has conspired against you? That it is all going wrong- and what did you do to deserve this?....."
" I don't believe that, don't expect me to say it.... don't fucking expect me to feel sorry.. Cos I think that it's not something that needs to be fixed.. I think you have called these experiences forth, cos you needed them... It JUST IS....and everything IS for a reason...."

.... but somewhere, a nagging doubt has crept in- What if it isn't.....what if it is all going wrong- what if there IS a right side up..........
then one could say that things were going wrong....

... and that wasn't even the point.......

All of us have our own reasons for shutting up...
Perhaps it is best that I say nothing, if saying something, anything, lets loose a torrent of confusion...And try as I might I can't squeeze out one soulful drop....

Thursday, July 14, 2005

 

"The dark side of Narnia."

Here's an interesting article for all Narnia lovers..

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

 

Musings

I think I am too curious to fear death..
Also too egocentric to believe that upon dying, I will cease to be...

But I fear pain and hurt...
What would I be like if I eluded the fear ?

Why is it difficult to believe that nothing goes wrong - ever....
Really,
ever noticed the vanishing significance of events over expanding time frames ?

A glass bowl that slipped from my hands, cruel jagged pieces that will never be a whole.

Do you see them - now ?
.... today, in this week ?

And where do they lie in a lifetime ?

And where does this one life stand in eternity ?

... and what is time ?

Sunday, July 03, 2005

 

Blog burn-out..

Don't know what I am going to write- but there is this sense of urgency- as if I some important point would evade me if I didn't write anything at all..

Don't want to turn this into an update; have nothing profound or/and complicated to say...

Yeah, life is moving on- a day at a time- a minute - yes, a second at a time...

and I have no sense of time at all...

My friend P tells me that it could be "time inconsisteny"... i prioritise short term gains over long term ones and my long-term gains are therefore usually suboptimal...
And even worse, i prioritise ready utilities over effort which could generate more utilities...
- Am running out of economic jargon here- But- that was the essence of our discussion as I understood it...

....... I am very fond of P... and I'm beginning to get fond of economics...

And I suppose that everything is/ will be OK...

Archives

May 2005   June 2005   July 2005   August 2005   September 2005   January 2006  

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?