Lost Random Chatter

im one of the little green people that populate ur world...

spontaneity ruled by little yellow faces... fights by the CAPITAL case...

one little green person- and u know that i can't be a fake!

Ozzy osbourne's a dreamer... "if only all of us could find serenity"........yeah, if only I could find serenity...

A coolness in my eyes- a blue malformation in the air- closer closer closer- and a smooth transition without sound..

A smile from the mirror...bold black lines....

An angry friction.. A transluscence descends over the veil ..
Erosion that no eye can see...

"Oh you foolish vain thing!".... "Quick now"

....thank god for the blurring- a relief from the pain..
Thank God that I still can see...

It is back to redefining boundaries- stating facts.... a square black frame-overstated, hostile!

And when you think of me stranger, you remember the girl with the glasses..
You missed the kaajal..
You missed the smile...

But it is as clear as crystal.... I am learning not to mind...

i have dealt with my day..

laughed n no of times, scowled a certain number and told myself not to scowl a greater number of times...answered emails, attended a meeting, braved sudden silences, fought mundane battles.. cycled past a grey lump (once a squirrel)...stood upon a chair and spouted gibberish... not understood about the 3 bomb blasts in delhi...bartered favours.... murmured thanks...

now, in the quiet of the night it is just me and the fatigue of having survived yet another day.

Oh don't get me wrong-I enjoy the drama- I love every second of it, and I love hating the every other second that I don't love!

But - I have dealt with my day..

Now this need to withdraw to someplace quieter, quell the transience..
... to exist in the fourth person ?

And what better way than to lose myself in your breathing?

And it must be a strange trick of time that you are so far away..

U know me- it leaves me feeling scared.
" Am i supposed to wear that dress today ?"
"Do you mind if I smile?"
I don't want to startle you, I don't want you to run away.
I don't want to cause you to lose faith in your judgment the day I laugh instead of crying...
Aren't we both happy- playing our little games.
I don't want to change the rules, you might change your mind..
But I suppose I ought to believe... I suppose I can trust you to find your own strength. Now or then, you will have to learn how to cope with change.
I don't want you to define me, so perhaps I can begin by doing the same........

planes scrawling smoke trails in the skies, boats scarring water (it doesn't seem to mind), children crossing a street, a million trains whooshing past, odd bolts of lightning, a swarm of locusts thickening the air, a seed sprouting in the dark, dust caught in the light, mercury slithering on a palm, dreams crossing in minds, a dragonfly looping in midflight, blood rushing into the heart, a lonely tear poised for a dive, planets on an eternal pilgrimage, each breath that graces life, atoms buzzing in crystal, your curious smile...

• Researchers at the University of Wisconsin have developed optical sensors that interface with tongue neurons to enable US Navy Seals to 'see' with their tongues when underwater.
  
• Nicrophorous beetles have a complex familial system.
  
• Marjoram is a type of oregano.
• Research supervisors can pull out unexpectedly on projects they endorsed, so can boyfriends, banks and pregnant teenage girls.
• If you Google GOD, the first hit takes you to "The Interview with God" - a ppt presentation worth a 10 minute pause.
  
• Assasin bugs engage in partial filial cannibalism- daddy bugs snack on the eggs they guard, perhaps to make up for the foraging time they lose.
• Tiny white spots on your nails are most likely to be a result of knocks ur fingers sustained a few months back - not Calcium or Zinc deficiency.
• If you are sick of the Dan Browns, Vikram Seths and Asterixes - Ray Bradbury is worth a try.
• "In the 15 minutes it takes you to read this [blog], the world will gain another 2,600 mouths to feed; 97 of every 100 will be born into a country where finances are stretched, food and water is insufficient and where creaking, chaotic cities are groaning under the weight of incoming migrants." (Mark Townsend, Ecologist)

Edward (not really Edward!) tells me about Sorites paradox.
"Does a heap of rice remain a heap if you take away one grain from it?"
"Yes....Oh I see - One grain of rice is a heap of rice!!!"

But we need to assign a threshold- a point where the heap of rice becomes a handful- and a handful does not remain a handful if u take away a grain from it...
But I suppose to that he would say that a handful of rice is then a heap of rice...
so u assign limits...and say that a heap of rice enters a twilight zone where rules about a heap of rice cant be applied to it....and it moves on to handfuls where each grain counts...

wish I could translate this into math..
Neway, must remember to tell Edward about the twilight zone when I see him next..!

She loved him. He loved her. But she had his baby. And she liked him (for not being him?).....Hence, the sacrifice... And so she forced upon him, his sacrifice and his...

red wine swirling in a thin stemmed tulip ... warming my throat...unsettling my taste-buds...

aching muscles, bordering on a cramp ... stretching imperceptibly as the dense actin-myosin network heaves in a restless ocean....

...tendrils of sleep curl around my eyelashes, gentle but insistent...

.....click click click...pincers of death wave about in the dark, an unseen threat, just within the edge of hearing...

specs resting on a edge of a hardback on the edge of my bed... a fine balance...

inexplicable drowsiness - a tiredness... is it pizza... am i bored of all the heated intense discussions...animated laughter...internet clips of bollywood spoofs and fat bespectacled men dancing to and singing along high pitched songs..

i am content with a thick book in my hands.... pizza and orange juice in the fridge-- and yoghurt...

no logging in on to msn today.. i am content shutting out the rest of the world...

the one phone call i made- 150- demanding an explanation of a riculously low phone bill (yes- i have learnt my lessons) left me exhausted- billing cycles are so difficult to understand!
...and yet- i cant wait till its past 1900, theres one phone call i can't wait to make...

i like being rescued ... oh let's rephrase that, " i need to be rescued, every so often"

perpetual analysis, procrastination... my scout remarks to me "I am trying to analyse you- most people - they just chuck things in their cupboards, your clothes are folded neatly stacked- no- today your room's in a good way... but .." and i chime in " usually it is such a mess; You see Julia, I'm good on the inside!"...and good natured laughter....

"...............................................................................................i dont like the world no more"...nope i meant the WORD- Procrastination....
well - it can go to hell, and haunt lesser mortals,
me- i can just shut out the world..


Another one of those days...not quite- I have a book to read ... In case you are curious- Its called "An Equal Music"... "Vikram Seth"... " a book to savour?"... I have been told I am greedy... I gobble it up page after page...

When it comes to phone bills anything too good to be true IS too good to be true, and 9 times out of 10, actually worse!

Why do I do this to myself? Woke up at half ten/ eleven....ate a bowl of cereal...and then, NOTHING!!!

have not had anything to eat since then...

its almost as if I decide not to do anything on a certain day-not even eat...
so i lie curled up in bed- drifting in and out of sleep..would have read probably had I a decent book to read...

and get bad dreams on an empty stomach....of a place long ago, of being alone amongst lots of people...

and wake up- too hungry to move to get myself something to eat....with some amount of supreme effort I get up and get the first thing I see in the fridge- yoghurt....
thank god for the half an hour of sustenance it provides....time to quickly cook something more substantial.. or else " create a post"!

why do i do this to me? wish i could shout at myself, give myself a good shake ... wish they made pills which would do instead of food...

a poem i wrote a long time ago...
when i was 13/14 years old- the person i was never ceases to surprise the person i am... that 6 years ago i could've tried to grasp at something that zens in on me at 20...

yes, it is funny!


"Things change, they grow,
Funny that I have never realised how much I've grown,
That I never knew what I was, what I am,
Funny, that I still don't understand.

Funny, that at every instant i discover a new me,
Funny that mostly other people discover it for me,
Funny that everytime I think I've understood,
It all changes again.

Funny, that feelings trick me into so many things,
Funny, that I never understand that i've been 'tricked',
That I can trick myself,
Funny, that I don't mind having been tricked.

Funny, that committments get made by themselves,
Funny, that they break by themselves,
Funny, that when I think it has ended,
It begins all over again.

It is funny that I yet don't laugh... at it all!"

The poem came to my mind today post an insignificant conversation on msn...someone i once worshipped....
....IT IS FUNNY!
IT IS GODDAMN BLOODY FUNNY!
......it is funny how u think u know people....and then sumone flicks on a switch- and forces you to see them in a different light....garish reds, deathly blacks, and the sickly brown of rotten bananas..

fine, " Thou shalt not be judgmental"... but how do u decide? how do I decide?
....where do you stop being judgmental and actually start condoning wrongs?

no wrongs and no rights...but hurt is hurt....

And it is difficult when you are reduced to a helpless observer... there crashes the pedestal on which u placed your demi god and you see her sitting there- tears welling in her eyes, and wounds still festering after all that time.. why her? why him?

it is funny.... and no, after 7 years, I wouldn't write a poem like that...and no, I still haven't learnt how to laugh at it all...

so u need blog knowhow to make ur blog stand out...

now face it folks- most of us want 'people out there' to read this stuff.. else would simply keep it all saved on word (yes! i am an unenlightened pc user)...

over time i suppose- over time this blog will evolve to look like me - the me I think I am... i do notice this obsession with perceptions in my posts...

i think ...therfore i am !
but u think i am she - so am I still me? each of us walking around with her/his own precious universe?

there is nothing to do- no, not really that- really millions of things to be done, but nothing to do..and time just stands still...

and u wonder whether any of it is real?
do other people exist-do u exist....

yoghurt- strawberry syrup....and what is sweet? and what defines strawberry?

do u exist because of them? all relative.. (Hail Einstein!)

and u could sit there staring at nothing and disappear into nothingness...like the faint warm smell of your room, there - but difficult to place...
like the colour white.....not no colour, but colour you can't quite call colour, the sum of all colours?

and it is fun to get lost in the abstract, use words to define things to define relationships, to negate feelings, to justify who u are and why.

and think and think aimlessly ( would you call that meditation- thinking for the sake of thinking? )....


But nothing icecream can't cure...
Bailey's ? Blueberry? Chocolate chip and mint? and one that i tasted at a school fair long long ago, demon's envy - honest! and it was sweet yet tangy and Green- so long ago that i didn't stop to think that the colour must be all additives, and who in their right mind would want to poison themselves like that ?

So icecream it is... and people...friendly faces ...smiles... "So, how've u been?" " Isn't it great to see so much of the sun ?!" "..and not to have piles of work...!" " G&D's is fabulous...amazing, huh!" "Oh! I looooove ice cream." " nah, it hurts my teeth"

And u look at them, and wonder whether or not they really are... and are eyes really windows to the soul? a soul?

"Life is but a dream......."

Oh, its just one of those days...

lostrandomchatter..

they tell me that blogs are the thing- everyone blogs- especially if you fancy there's a writer within...

so here i am- blogging- lostrandomchatter... but randomness is perhaps a multitude of patterns...u need to be lost before u can be found....

and chatter- hmmm- isn't that what blogs are about......???

so welcome!

and i hope that the lost chatter can help me find patterns in the random...
and u find reflections of the world as u see it in my lostrandom chatter....